28-year-old boyfriend tells 29-year-old girlfriend she can't bring her dog's ashes on vacation, she leaves him: 'She's been mourning this dog for too long'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Feb 27, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Grief takes many shapes in a way that is wholly unpredictable. It will push you to the bounds of sanity and logical reasoning as you struggle to come to grips with the reality of what has transpired and the incomprehensible loss that has occurred—irreparably. 

Sure, it might seem strange and even ridiculous to some, but it's impossible to gauge or comprehend how you might handle grief without experiencing it yourself. Every experience of grief is unpredictable and challenges you in a unique way. Think what you like, and pass judgment over how who—or what—someone is grieving, but don't be surprised when they also exercise their ability to distance themselves from you and your inability to understand.

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  • Some might argue (and I definitely would) that the loss of a pet can be even harder than most people; after all, they have a greater impact on our everyday lives and routines, so finding ourselves suddenly without them can be more suddenly moving. Plus, we have a duty of responsibility to them that only adds to the grief and feeling of responsibility for the loss.

    Possibly, this woman needs to find ways of dealing with her grief and moving on, but it wasn't her boyfriend's place to dictate how and when she could grieve, which caused this online community to take her side despite the boyfriend sharing his side of the story in a post that he thought was surely an appeal to sanity.

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    "AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend bring her [...] dog’s ashes on vacation?"

    My girlfriend (29F) and I (28M) have been together for four months. She had a dog that di d a few months before we met. I have only ever spent the night at her place (I live with my sister and her two kids, so it's a little chaotic at my place). Gf has a small (2-3 inches tall) urn on her bedside table with the dog's ashes. Before she turns off her lamp to go to sleep, she always gives it a little tap on the top and says "Goodnight", as though she is talking to the dog. I think it's weird, but I
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    We were supposed to go away for the weekend. On Friday, I was watching her pack, and noticed she took the urn and put it in the top pocket of her backpack. I asked what she was doing. She said she didn't want to "leave the dog behind". I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn as it made me very uncomfortable. I didn't want to see it anytime we returned to our hotel room. I didn't want her talking to her
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    de d dog after we've had s (ie: before we go to sleep). It's weird, and frankly, she's been mourning this dog for too long. She didn't argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming. I asked if she was seriously choosing a dog's ashes over me. She said she was choosing herself over me, as I could have spoken to her with kindness and empathy, but didn't. She also said that I didn't get to dictate how long she's allowed to gr
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    She hasn't replied to my texts. I think she's overreacting. My sister said she can see both of our sides. Amlan a h le for thinking my gf is weird for being so attached to her de d dog's ashes?
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    Edit 1: the hotel was non- refundable and only a three hour drive, so I went on the trip without her. Edit 2: she started seeing a psychologist around the same time we started dating; she hasn't told me any specifics, but she said the trauma of losing her dog suddenly brought to the surface other trauma in her past. This is why I think she has been mourning for too long. She is still attached to the dog, even after seeing a professional on a regular basis for several months.
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    Update (and I'm sure this will make a lot of you happy): I get it. I'm an a h le. I texted my gf to say I'm sorry for how I spoke to her and for dismissing her feelings. It was wrong. I also said I would like to apologize in person, and offered to bring over her favorite take out. She said "all good. dont worry about an in- person apology. i gathered the things you've left at my house. let me know when you would like to come pick them up". I'm hoping she will still hear me out when I go to her p
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    CrimsonKnight... 6h ago . • Edited 6h ago She didn't argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming. I asked if she was seriously choosing a dog's ashes over me. She said she was choosing herself over me, as I could have spoken to her with kindness and empathy, but didn't. She also said that I didn't get to dictate how long she's allowed to grieve. Then she asked me
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    to leave. Your girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend most likely) sounds amazing. I wish she was my friend because she sounds like an awesome person to know. Sounds like you lost that privilege by being an AH. YTA - Everything she said was 1000% correct. I don't even have anything to add because she spoke for herself so clearly. The fact that you still don't get it shows you have a fundamental problem actually hearing her. Read and reread what she said until you get it.
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    EDIT: You do realize your second edit makes it worse, right? She's working with a psychologist. She's going at a pace that's healthy and comfortable for her and she has a professional to help her with that. You don't get to decide what's "too long" for anyone else's trauma or grief. How dare you think otherwise. If you can't keep yourself from butting into her personal affairs like this, then you aren't ready for a real relationship.
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    . mdthomas 6h ago I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn as it made me very uncomfortable. You don't get to control her actions. You only control your own actions. It's weird, and frankly, she's been mourning this dog for too long.
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    So what is the appropriate amount of time to grieve? She didn't argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming. See what she did? She didn't tell you what to do. She chose what SHE would do I'm response to your actions.
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    She hasn't replied to my texts. I think she's overreacting. You're allowed to think that. She's allowed to end the relationship. Amlan a hole for thinking my gf is weird for being so attached to her de d dog's ashes?
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    You're mistaken here. You're not an AH for thinking it is weird. YTA for trying to tell her what she can and cannot do and how long she can grieve.
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    Rohini_rambles 6h ago Her de d dog is still protecting her from bad people in her life, good on him. He had to have been aan amazing pet to her to still protect her in spirit. She is grieving. And you cannot control her. Please let her go so she can find someone who respects her.
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    Narkareth 6h ago YTA This was not the way to handle this issue. If you know she's still mourning her lost pet, and she's developed these routines to help her cope with that issue; you can't expect her to just drop those things on a whim, vacation or no. If you were uncomfortable with this behavior, and didn't want it to occur on vacation; you should have had a conversation about it well before she was literally packing her bag.
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    I can't speak to how long its taking her to grieve, but it doesn't strike me as crazy that 5-6 months on someone might still be having difficulty with coping with a death. Perhaps she is grieving too long, perhaps not. If you're right, she needs some kind of help to get past this difficult moment; not an ultimatum.
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    Whether you intended to or not, you basically told her she needs to get over it; and worse, she needs to get over it not for her own wellbeing, but for your comfort. F her I guess? Really what reaction were you expecting?
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    w-ow-l... everything she said to you was true and correct, and in fact, very admirable communication and self respect on her part. why do you care so much? when my soul dog passes, i have no idea how i'll behave, but if giving his remains a little goodnight every night helps me get through, then i will be doing that. i'll do that until the day i di if i want to.
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    get a GRIP. people (no, not like your gf, people like YOU telling others how to grieve when they're not harming themselves or others) are so extremely weird around grief and it honestly makes me sad. also, edit to add: you've been in her life for a couple months. i venture to guess her dog has been in her life for at least a few years, and given her age, i am also assuming that the dog was with her through some very formative moments in her life.
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    how dare you come in and expect her to stop her connection, earthside or not, with something that has been in her life way longer than you have. another edit as i realized i forgot to give my verdict: YTA. obviously.
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    Famou... My fiancée only knew my dog for a couple of months before he suddenly passed, and my dogs ashes have been sitting in my office for awhile now - but before that they were next to my bed, and I also would give him "good night kisses"
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    This year I decided to make an ofrenda to honor him, for that my fiancée printed out his picture for the frame and helped me set up the rest. He also celebrates his birthday with me, and finds ways to cheer me up on the anniversary of his death. My dog di d SIX YEARS AGO. Take that as a long way of me saying definitely YTA, dude.
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    amyb10045 . 6h ago YTA When my cat di d I kept his paw print keepsake next to my bed for months and said goodnight to it. Weird, maybe. Probably. But no one gets to dictate the grieving process for someone else. One day I moved the paw print and that was that. It sounds like a tiny urn so i'm not sure why this is such a massive inconvenience for you. She's going to move on eventually, on her own time. Unless she's spending hours a day worshipping a large shrine to her deceased pet, I think you n
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    . depemo • 6h ago YTA. She had a much longer and deeper relationship with that dog than she's had with you so far. You have no idea what she may have gone through as far as shared experiences and support with this pup.
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    To demand that she not take the ashes with her because it makes you "uncomfortable" (can you explain how it has any impact on your life?), or to make yourself the ultimate decider on how long it's appropriate to grieve (only 6- 7 months?) shows a complete lack of respect for her as a whole, grown person.
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    Careless-Fact-475 . 6h ago You've intellectualized and normalized your expectations onto your grieving partner. You've judged her behavior as abnormal and failed to consider this as an opportunity to examine your beliefs around people grieving. You could have used this as an opportunity for you and your partner to grow closer through understanding. She is holding healthy boundaries.
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    You don't have a right to impose a belief on how appropriate or weird it is, but you have a right to HOLD that belief. A consequence of holding this belief is that you two are growing apart, perhaps permanently. YWBTA if you leave on this trip without her. YWNBTA if you apologize. Accept that you are wrong about imposing your beliefs. Seek understanding in her behavior.
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    Elegant_Bluebird_460 • 6h ago YTA. You do not get to 'allow' anything. Doesn't matter if she needs to move on, or if it is unhealthy or whatever. You do not get to dictate rules to another person. Glad she didn't let you get away with such terrible behavior.
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    • PurplePufferPea 6h ago YTA! These 3 sentences from your post sum everything up perfectly: I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn She said she was choosing herself over me She hasn't replied to my texts. I think she's overreacting.
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    I think the overreaction is you continuing to text her after she told you she was choosing herself over being with someone who thinks they have a right to tell her what she is and isn't allowed to do.
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    Artistic_Ad_9882 · 6h ago YTA. I'd have nope'd out of that relationship the minute you said the word "allow" in context of what I do. Is her grief excessive? Maybe, maybe not. Do you have the right to set boundaries for what you're comfortable with? Yes. But you don't get to decide how she feels or how she grieves, any more than she gets to tell you how to feel. She has decided you're not compatible (I'm guessing there are other reasons beyond this one instance). Accept it and move on.
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    Qwandangle • 6h ago bud it's obvious you're lacking some emotions and or compassion
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